Oh what next!?!?!?!

Well, as of now, my Internet and phone have been shut off at home. I still don't have a car, and i don't know how much longer i can continue to rely on people giving me rides to work :( My check was only for 20 hours this week and now i cant even afford to pay my rent. To top it off every time my son comes back from my ex his behavior is increasingly worse. He told me this week that his daddy was sad because i wanted him (my son) and he started crying. What in hell is wrong with that man?!?!!? Is he really that blind or ignorant that he cant see or understand what saying things like that does to our son? He has been thru enough! I'm so sick of everything right now. How on earth did my life end up this way? I'm almost 30 years old and i feel as though I'm some 18 yr old kid who has nothing but a string of disaster behind me. It was not supposed to be this way. Not for me. I always had it all together and i can not for the life of me understand how things have turned out this way. I just want to crawl into bed and cry for days....

still at it

Well, i haven't been home for the last couple of days. I had to stay w/ my mom since she was driving me to work. Oh how things are rapidly falling apart! My car is crap. i give up on it. I have no transportation, which is totally crippling considering that i drive about 80 miles a day. i don't know where to turn. someone suggested that i needed a sugar daddy, and to be honest that's not sounding like such a bad idea at this point! Did any of you know that there is an actual dating site to find a sugar daddy?!?! i was a little shocked to find this out. however, since I'm in such a crappy spot i signed up. It seems like its mostly a bunch of old pervs! i just wish my car hadn't died, its really made everything completely worse for me. I'm officially not in school at this point since i cant even drive there. There just has to be more to life than this....

And another one!

OK. I don't think i have mentioned in my previous postings that my son is deaf. He wears a cochlear implant to help him hear, which when it is working is just amazing. Unfortunately it has not been working for some time now. After sending several items back to Med-El, the company that makes his implant, i was told that it was moisture damaged and they asked if he sweat a lot, hello we live in Arizona and its been over 110 degrees outside for a while now of course he sweats. See the implant is worn around the outside of his ear like a behind the ear hearing aid. Now I'm no expert, but wouldn't you think that if someone was making a hearing device that is worn this way, right behind the ear, that they would maybe make sure they could moisture proof it some way? give me a break!!! We have no insurance and to take him in would cost me $100 per visit. It may as well be $1,000 to me right now i can barely pay rent and all my other monthly expenses. Here he is about to start kindergarten in less than a month and I'm getting the run around. I'm so frustrated right now with this and everything else going wrong in my life I'm about to totally loose it!! I'm just so thankful for this blog right now. Being able to blog about all this and get it off my chest is such a stress relief! Like i have someone to talk to about everything, and i don't get judged or told what i need to do. I'm so tired of hearing what i need to do from everyone. I know that it is coming to me with good intentions, but its just so amazing to be able to put it all out there and not have to hear anything back about it. Not that i don't welcome comments from my followers or people that actually read these, if there really are any, but i feel like everyone in my life feels that they need to tell me what to do. Sometimes its just nice to have someone listen.

more trying times

Well thank God for my mom. She got me to work and back yesterday and today, but tomorrow has to work herself and i have no way to work. this sucks so bad. I have no running vehicle at this point and no way to get to work and take my son to daycare. No money to fix either vehicle. I truly don't know what I'm going to do at this point. Also cant get to school tomorrow night. I feel like my life has spun out of control and i cant make it stand still again. How different things have become. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that at almost 29 years old, this is what my life would be. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. Not to worry. But there is no one there, No one that CAN do it. My mom would love to but she, like many others right now, is just getting by. I feel ashamed of myself. I had my life together at a young age. i had a good, stable job, a car, plenty of money in the bank, and a 10 year plan. How on earth did that plan get so off track. I'm doing good just to make it thur each week and now i probably wont even be able to do that. I HAVE to have a vehicle. there's no way around that. Now how in the world do i get this done? I pray everyday for GOD to help me, but to this point my prayers have not been answered. I know that he test us, when oh when will my test be passed???  I really don't know how much more i can take.

another speed bump

This morning i got my son up and ready to go to grandmas for the day while i work only to find that the battery in my car was dead!!  My phone is not working, so thankfully my mom just happened to be on face book. i messaged her and she came and picked us up and dropped me off at work. I wish so desperately that i was able to just go get another car. There is no way i would be able to afford to make any payments at this point, so I'm going to have to try to figure out something else. I wonder how all these young teens feel when their parents just buy them a brand new, way too expensive car? Do they even appreciate it? Do they know how blessed they are to have that privilege? I've never been handed anything like that in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself for the things that i have accomplished. I think that if you have everything done for you then you don't really get what it is like to work hard for something and how truly rewarding it is to obtain those goals. However, in times like this i really do wish i had someone that could just step in and fix things for me. what to do now?????

The financial realities of doing it alone

Well shortly after Mr. Ex left, the tags on my van expired. I was completely broke and couldn't afford to renew them. Ticket = $800.00 for driving on expired tags. Really!!!! Judge willing to reduce fine to $150.00 if i show proof that title was transferred, because i traded that vehicle for work done to a new car since the transmission was shot. However since i had already signed the title over, i was screwed.    A couple months later i was pulled over for having a headlight out. Found out that the court i was dealing w/ for the above listed fine had suspended my license. Sheriff told me that i was getting a break since i had my son w/ me. He said he was supposed to arrest me and impound my car for 30 days!  Ticket = $800.00 for driving on suspended license!!! So basically since i didn't have the $46.00 to renew the tags on my van, it will cost me $1600.00!!!! How is that fair?????   I have never been arrested or broken the law in my life. God forbid people go thru hard times and not even be able to pay rent and buy food. Why on earth would those fines be so extreme for a first time offence? Did i mention that those were my first ever traffic tickets and I'm almost 29?  Where is the justice in this system??? I feel so angry right now. I am in such a deep financial hole that i have no idea on how to even begin to pull myself out. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A rare night of fun & some self reflection

Last night was so much fun. One of my best friends came and spent the night at my house. We had one of our " Malibu Nights" featuring the new island melon flavor! It was so much fun to just hang out and talk. We stayed up till like 2am.

I think that's one of the hardest parts of being single and alone. Although i have my little man with me, its not the same. It was so nice having another adult to talk to. I hate, hate, hate living alone. That was one of the things that hurts the most. When Mr. Ex left he said that he didn't want to have a family, but to me the three of us were the most important thing in the whole world. So what does he do, moves in the OW five days after walking out on us and proceeds to knock her up!! The whole thing makes me feel physically sick to my stomach. The one who didn't want a family and walked away from ours, goes and starts a new one with someone else. I had wanted to have another baby for YEARS, but he never wanted to. I feel like i got cheated. Like he gave what i wanted to someone else. I was a good woman to him. I did everything you could do for the man you love.

I admit that i have gained weight. I was doing so good after he first left. i worked out every day. It is what got me thru those first months. A place to take out all my anger and rage, run a little faster, lift a little more weight, ride a few extra miles. I worked out as hard as i could until i literally felt exhausted and didn't have the energy to do any more. I made a mistake i letting Mr. Ex's sister join on my membership and she screwed me over and didn't keep her word to pay her share. As a result, my membership is delinquent and i can no longer go to my happy place : (      I've started working out at home again. Today all the muscles in my body are sore, and it feels so good, lol. I don't know if its just my own insecurities or the truth, but i wonder if Mr. Ex left because i gained weight? I blamed myself for this reason for almost the last year. I have racked my brain trying to figure out what i did wrong, and this is the only thing i can come up with. I started dating a new man back in February. Two weeks ago he left my house saying that he would be back in a few days, i haven't seen or heard from him since.....  Again i wonder if it is due to my weight. I mean I'm not by any means huge or morbidly overweight. But I'm also not model thin. Blaming yourself, your physical appearance, for ruining your life is a terrible burden to carry. It makes you hate yourself at times. At the same time it makes me feel so bad like i was never loved in the first place if he can just walk away because I've gained some weight. I mean people go thur phases in life. No one ever stays the same size for their entire life. How could i spend 6 years with someone, totally and completely devoted to them, and they just walk away......

Getting back on track

The last year has been extremely hard financially! I work full time, but my monthly income is less than my monthly expenses. I am blessed that my office offers cash advances of up to $500 twice a year. This helps when I've gotten really far behind so i can catch up, but of course is hard to pay back at $50 per week. It sometimes feels like I'm working so hard to just barely stay afloat. I don't  make enough to get by on my own, but i make too much to qualify for any state assistance. There are times when we have to survive on ramen noodles for a couple days because there is literally nothing left at the end of the week. I feel badly, like I'm letting my son down. He of course doesn't mind, as ramen is one of his all time favorite foods. However, the mom in me feels like he needs more. There have been times when i skip meals, because there isn't enough food in the house and i want to save it for him. Usually someone will buy me lunch or something when i go to work, so its not like I'm not eating. Its during these times of financial hardships that i find myself at my low points. Its hard to imagine that just a year ago things were so very different. My Ex frequently found himself unemployed during our relationship, but he is one of those jack of all trades kind of men and was always able to find side work to help make ends meet. I can remember going to the store and spending $100 on groceries for the week and it not being a problem at all. Now i can barely afford $30, maybe $50 a week. So i buy only the necessities to get us by. I lay awake at night imagining that things will be so much better once i finish school. But that is even becoming a whole other problem. See, after my ex left my my van started having trouble. I begged him to look at it for me, but he blew me off and the transmission went out. I live an hour away from where i work. Thankfully one of my bosses lives close to me and i was able to get a ride with him most days, but he didn't work the same schedule as me and it became a problem some days to  get to work. One of the guys at work offered to let me use a car that his brother had left in the garage at his house for as long as i wanted. He said keep it a month or 5 years, i don't care. I was so grateful. Of course that car is old as well, having over 190,000 miles now it is also about to die. So getting to school is becoming a problem. What will i do if i cant get to school so i can finish my degree? I'm so frustrated today. I would give about anything to be able to just go get a new car, but there is no possible way to do that. I have another vehicle that, i am trying to fix. It needs new heads which is going to cost me $600 for the parts. That's more than i pay in rent. I don't know what I'm going to do. Talking to my coworker yesterday, she told me that her neighbor makes $65,000 per year. She was complaining that she was going to have to move out of her house because she couldn't afford it anymore. I wonder, do people like that really know what it is to struggle. I live on less than 1/3 of that income, maybe a 1/4 actually. I literally work to pay rent, electric, food, and gas to get to work and back. I have expired registration, and no insurance on my vehicle. I'm honestly just waiting to get pulled over and I can't even think about what would happen once that happens. I pray everyday that i just make it to work and back home. I've been looking for the last 6 months for a new job that's closer to home and i can make at least what I'm making now, or more. There is just nothing out there for me. So for now i just pray and keep doing everything i can to just get by. There has to be more to life than this......

My First Post!!!

I'm so excited to be starting this blog. I have so desperately needed a place to vent my thoughts and feelings for the last year, actually probably longer than that. It will be a year next month since my sons father left. That is hard for me to swallow. We were together for almost 6 years. We first met in 5th grade after i moved to Arizona from Ohio. He was in my new classroom, and though we were never great friends as children we always remembered each other and would say hi when we ran into each other. We started dating after reuniting when we were 21 and he had moved into the apartment complex that i lived in. At first we just started talking and quickly became good friends. I think he actually became my very best friend. He didn't have a car and was working graveyard shifts at a gas station. I started giving him rides to work after i found out that he was leaving 4 hours early for work in order to take several different buses to get there on time. Soon i began waking up early to pick him up in the morning. I truly enjoyed his company, we never ran out of things to talk about and he made me laugh. After about a year of this we finally officially were a couple. From here things started moving very fast. Too fast. He was going thru some personal struggles and started drinking heavily and using drugs. He sometimes was a totally different person that i didn't even feel that i knew, however once he was sober he was the same sweet person that i loved with all my heart. After about 3 months of us dating I could take no more. He would leave all night to party, and would be in a very nasty mood when he came home. I had been on the pill, but he and my mom had both been asking me if i was pregnant. One night after he left i decided that i was going to break things off, but before i did i was going to go get a pregnancy test to make sure. Well, to my astonishment that test came back positive. I was in complete shock!!! That morning i went to work as normal and called my ob/gyn and made an appointment. Again i was told i was pregnant, I burst into tears right there in front of the doctor and nurse. How was i going to have a child with this man who had become a stranger to me? Being a child that grew up not really knowing my own biological father, i did not want to pass that along to my own child. i decided that i would give it one last try with this man, maybe he would change. I told him that night, and at the end of our conversation he was telling me it was OK and that he would support my decision to have our baby. Almost six years later he was leaving telling me that he wasn't ready to have a family. that he was too young when everything happened. Now I'm all on my own trying to raise my son to be a better man. To have respect, be responsible and most of all to be happy and well adjusted. Yes, as this one year mark draws near I feel my heart breaking all over again. Thru all the bad times, there were many good times. i miss his laugh, companionship, and presence. He was not just my boyfriend, he was my BEST friend. i lost both i one day. When you go thru a break up, who do you run to? Your best friend, but mine was gone. That was the most devastating day of my entire life. I have since questioned my decision that day to give things one more try. What if i would of just called it quits? Maybe we would have found our way back to each other, and then he wouldn't have resented me. Now we cant even talk, but i don't think its because of anything in either of us. It is because of his new girlfriend. Oh, but that is a whole new story, and the main source of my hurt and anger. The other woman, the one who slithered in and destroyed my family. But I'll save that for my next entry. I know this one was rather lengthy So if you're still reading thank you!! and I'm telling you this is only the beginning........