My First Post!!!

I'm so excited to be starting this blog. I have so desperately needed a place to vent my thoughts and feelings for the last year, actually probably longer than that. It will be a year next month since my sons father left. That is hard for me to swallow. We were together for almost 6 years. We first met in 5th grade after i moved to Arizona from Ohio. He was in my new classroom, and though we were never great friends as children we always remembered each other and would say hi when we ran into each other. We started dating after reuniting when we were 21 and he had moved into the apartment complex that i lived in. At first we just started talking and quickly became good friends. I think he actually became my very best friend. He didn't have a car and was working graveyard shifts at a gas station. I started giving him rides to work after i found out that he was leaving 4 hours early for work in order to take several different buses to get there on time. Soon i began waking up early to pick him up in the morning. I truly enjoyed his company, we never ran out of things to talk about and he made me laugh. After about a year of this we finally officially were a couple. From here things started moving very fast. Too fast. He was going thru some personal struggles and started drinking heavily and using drugs. He sometimes was a totally different person that i didn't even feel that i knew, however once he was sober he was the same sweet person that i loved with all my heart. After about 3 months of us dating I could take no more. He would leave all night to party, and would be in a very nasty mood when he came home. I had been on the pill, but he and my mom had both been asking me if i was pregnant. One night after he left i decided that i was going to break things off, but before i did i was going to go get a pregnancy test to make sure. Well, to my astonishment that test came back positive. I was in complete shock!!! That morning i went to work as normal and called my ob/gyn and made an appointment. Again i was told i was pregnant, I burst into tears right there in front of the doctor and nurse. How was i going to have a child with this man who had become a stranger to me? Being a child that grew up not really knowing my own biological father, i did not want to pass that along to my own child. i decided that i would give it one last try with this man, maybe he would change. I told him that night, and at the end of our conversation he was telling me it was OK and that he would support my decision to have our baby. Almost six years later he was leaving telling me that he wasn't ready to have a family. that he was too young when everything happened. Now I'm all on my own trying to raise my son to be a better man. To have respect, be responsible and most of all to be happy and well adjusted. Yes, as this one year mark draws near I feel my heart breaking all over again. Thru all the bad times, there were many good times. i miss his laugh, companionship, and presence. He was not just my boyfriend, he was my BEST friend. i lost both i one day. When you go thru a break up, who do you run to? Your best friend, but mine was gone. That was the most devastating day of my entire life. I have since questioned my decision that day to give things one more try. What if i would of just called it quits? Maybe we would have found our way back to each other, and then he wouldn't have resented me. Now we cant even talk, but i don't think its because of anything in either of us. It is because of his new girlfriend. Oh, but that is a whole new story, and the main source of my hurt and anger. The other woman, the one who slithered in and destroyed my family. But I'll save that for my next entry. I know this one was rather lengthy So if you're still reading thank you!! and I'm telling you this is only the beginning........