A rare night of fun & some self reflection

Last night was so much fun. One of my best friends came and spent the night at my house. We had one of our " Malibu Nights" featuring the new island melon flavor! It was so much fun to just hang out and talk. We stayed up till like 2am.

I think that's one of the hardest parts of being single and alone. Although i have my little man with me, its not the same. It was so nice having another adult to talk to. I hate, hate, hate living alone. That was one of the things that hurts the most. When Mr. Ex left he said that he didn't want to have a family, but to me the three of us were the most important thing in the whole world. So what does he do, moves in the OW five days after walking out on us and proceeds to knock her up!! The whole thing makes me feel physically sick to my stomach. The one who didn't want a family and walked away from ours, goes and starts a new one with someone else. I had wanted to have another baby for YEARS, but he never wanted to. I feel like i got cheated. Like he gave what i wanted to someone else. I was a good woman to him. I did everything you could do for the man you love.

I admit that i have gained weight. I was doing so good after he first left. i worked out every day. It is what got me thru those first months. A place to take out all my anger and rage, run a little faster, lift a little more weight, ride a few extra miles. I worked out as hard as i could until i literally felt exhausted and didn't have the energy to do any more. I made a mistake i letting Mr. Ex's sister join on my membership and she screwed me over and didn't keep her word to pay her share. As a result, my membership is delinquent and i can no longer go to my happy place : (      I've started working out at home again. Today all the muscles in my body are sore, and it feels so good, lol. I don't know if its just my own insecurities or the truth, but i wonder if Mr. Ex left because i gained weight? I blamed myself for this reason for almost the last year. I have racked my brain trying to figure out what i did wrong, and this is the only thing i can come up with. I started dating a new man back in February. Two weeks ago he left my house saying that he would be back in a few days, i haven't seen or heard from him since.....  Again i wonder if it is due to my weight. I mean I'm not by any means huge or morbidly overweight. But I'm also not model thin. Blaming yourself, your physical appearance, for ruining your life is a terrible burden to carry. It makes you hate yourself at times. At the same time it makes me feel so bad like i was never loved in the first place if he can just walk away because I've gained some weight. I mean people go thur phases in life. No one ever stays the same size for their entire life. How could i spend 6 years with someone, totally and completely devoted to them, and they just walk away......