christmas time reflection

Its just a couple days before Christmas. I Usually love this time of year but today, i'm struggling. My son will be with his father this year for most of Christmas and the days after. Children make the holidays special and after 6 Christmas's as a mother, this will be the first year i will not be able to spend with my son. I'm feeling very depressed. I've managed to provide a decent Christmas for him this year, but i'm feeling very angry that his father is so different. When we were together he never ever did anything special for me or our son. this year i hear from everyone how he's going all out for his new family. Buying tons of presents, even took his new girlfriend to get her hair done. In the 6 years we were together he never did that for me. I sacrificed everything and went without constantly. He always told me how we didn't have the money, blah, blah, blah. I feel so hurt. Even after all this time the pain is still intense. I'm good at putting a smile on my face and pretending that i'm fine and everything is great, but inside i still feel like im suffering and will never completely be OK again. I wish i could just put all this behind me and move forward, but it seems like every time i feel like i'm getting to a place where i can move forward and be ok something else comes up that sets me back again. He seems to have turned into this person that i always wanted him to be, only he would never be that person for me. Like i wasnt' worth it. I'm still without a car and even simple things like getting to the store for groceries is a challenge at times. I'm always having to wait until someone can come pick me up to take me. Every man in my life that should have been there for me unconditionally and loved me has turned their back on me and walked away. It makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. Why am i not enough as a person to make people want to stay and be a part of my life. I truly feel that i'm a good person. I always am there for other people. I'm kind, loving and giving. I do anything for other people out of the kindness of my heart. I'm so, so very lonely. Even though i have my son, and i thank GOD for him every day, It feels like there's still something missing. That person to love and share my life with. A partner. I wonder if i will ever find him, or will i spend the rest of my life alone. Right now i don't think i'm even at a place where i could open myself up and let someone get that close to me. I don't ever want to go thru the hurt and devastation that i've been thru again. I don't think i could take it. I feel broken. Like something in me died thru all this, and that i will never be whole again. I don't know what to do. I need help, but have no idea where to turn. :*(

Finding peace with it all

Its been a while since my last post, so I'll just catch up. Its been almost a year and a half since i became single. I'm finally at a place where I'm glad I'm no longer in that relationship and can really see how toxic it was for both me and my son. My son is adjusting well. Ex and his new gf had their baby about 2 1/2 months ago and it hasn't really bothered me as bad as i thought it would. We finally went to court and i got child support court ordered and i feel SO much better about that. I don't have to look at the smug look on his face when he handed me the money orders, or work around what is convenient for him. The court process was as expected, he made it as difficult as possible and of course once it was over had made a fool of himself in front of the child support enforcement worker and the judge, lol! I can't help but wonder what i was thinking being with him. He still makes every little thing as difficult as possible. For thanksgiving for 4 days in a row which was killer for me having him gone that long. My son is my life and without him here i feel lost and don't know what to do with myself! When he came home he came right up to me and said " I'm very sad, i want mommy" and gave me a big, long, grateful hug. I know that the every other weekend visitation is truly what is best for him! His fathers solution to everything is to spank. I do not like to use negative reinforcement. Don't get me wrong, i do believe in spanking when necessary, but i don't think its appropriate for every situation. I'm still out of work and school, until i get my tax money and can get a car! I can't wait to get my life back on track. It has been really nice to spend so much time with my son, but i really want to get back to work. this time off has given me some new perspective on things though. I know that i will only take a job working 1st shift so that i can be with my son in the evenings and on weekends. I will not take another job that keeps me away from him for so long! I truly believe that in the darkest times, you receive the greatest answers. I pray every day that life works out well for my son and i, and i KNOW that it will as long as i stay strong and focused.