christmas time reflection

Its just a couple days before Christmas. I Usually love this time of year but today, i'm struggling. My son will be with his father this year for most of Christmas and the days after. Children make the holidays special and after 6 Christmas's as a mother, this will be the first year i will not be able to spend with my son. I'm feeling very depressed. I've managed to provide a decent Christmas for him this year, but i'm feeling very angry that his father is so different. When we were together he never ever did anything special for me or our son. this year i hear from everyone how he's going all out for his new family. Buying tons of presents, even took his new girlfriend to get her hair done. In the 6 years we were together he never did that for me. I sacrificed everything and went without constantly. He always told me how we didn't have the money, blah, blah, blah. I feel so hurt. Even after all this time the pain is still intense. I'm good at putting a smile on my face and pretending that i'm fine and everything is great, but inside i still feel like im suffering and will never completely be OK again. I wish i could just put all this behind me and move forward, but it seems like every time i feel like i'm getting to a place where i can move forward and be ok something else comes up that sets me back again. He seems to have turned into this person that i always wanted him to be, only he would never be that person for me. Like i wasnt' worth it. I'm still without a car and even simple things like getting to the store for groceries is a challenge at times. I'm always having to wait until someone can come pick me up to take me. Every man in my life that should have been there for me unconditionally and loved me has turned their back on me and walked away. It makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. Why am i not enough as a person to make people want to stay and be a part of my life. I truly feel that i'm a good person. I always am there for other people. I'm kind, loving and giving. I do anything for other people out of the kindness of my heart. I'm so, so very lonely. Even though i have my son, and i thank GOD for him every day, It feels like there's still something missing. That person to love and share my life with. A partner. I wonder if i will ever find him, or will i spend the rest of my life alone. Right now i don't think i'm even at a place where i could open myself up and let someone get that close to me. I don't ever want to go thru the hurt and devastation that i've been thru again. I don't think i could take it. I feel broken. Like something in me died thru all this, and that i will never be whole again. I don't know what to do. I need help, but have no idea where to turn. :*(