christmas time reflection

Its just a couple days before Christmas. I Usually love this time of year but today, i'm struggling. My son will be with his father this year for most of Christmas and the days after. Children make the holidays special and after 6 Christmas's as a mother, this will be the first year i will not be able to spend with my son. I'm feeling very depressed. I've managed to provide a decent Christmas for him this year, but i'm feeling very angry that his father is so different. When we were together he never ever did anything special for me or our son. this year i hear from everyone how he's going all out for his new family. Buying tons of presents, even took his new girlfriend to get her hair done. In the 6 years we were together he never did that for me. I sacrificed everything and went without constantly. He always told me how we didn't have the money, blah, blah, blah. I feel so hurt. Even after all this time the pain is still intense. I'm good at putting a smile on my face and pretending that i'm fine and everything is great, but inside i still feel like im suffering and will never completely be OK again. I wish i could just put all this behind me and move forward, but it seems like every time i feel like i'm getting to a place where i can move forward and be ok something else comes up that sets me back again. He seems to have turned into this person that i always wanted him to be, only he would never be that person for me. Like i wasnt' worth it. I'm still without a car and even simple things like getting to the store for groceries is a challenge at times. I'm always having to wait until someone can come pick me up to take me. Every man in my life that should have been there for me unconditionally and loved me has turned their back on me and walked away. It makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. Why am i not enough as a person to make people want to stay and be a part of my life. I truly feel that i'm a good person. I always am there for other people. I'm kind, loving and giving. I do anything for other people out of the kindness of my heart. I'm so, so very lonely. Even though i have my son, and i thank GOD for him every day, It feels like there's still something missing. That person to love and share my life with. A partner. I wonder if i will ever find him, or will i spend the rest of my life alone. Right now i don't think i'm even at a place where i could open myself up and let someone get that close to me. I don't ever want to go thru the hurt and devastation that i've been thru again. I don't think i could take it. I feel broken. Like something in me died thru all this, and that i will never be whole again. I don't know what to do. I need help, but have no idea where to turn. :*(

Finding peace with it all

Its been a while since my last post, so I'll just catch up. Its been almost a year and a half since i became single. I'm finally at a place where I'm glad I'm no longer in that relationship and can really see how toxic it was for both me and my son. My son is adjusting well. Ex and his new gf had their baby about 2 1/2 months ago and it hasn't really bothered me as bad as i thought it would. We finally went to court and i got child support court ordered and i feel SO much better about that. I don't have to look at the smug look on his face when he handed me the money orders, or work around what is convenient for him. The court process was as expected, he made it as difficult as possible and of course once it was over had made a fool of himself in front of the child support enforcement worker and the judge, lol! I can't help but wonder what i was thinking being with him. He still makes every little thing as difficult as possible. For thanksgiving for 4 days in a row which was killer for me having him gone that long. My son is my life and without him here i feel lost and don't know what to do with myself! When he came home he came right up to me and said " I'm very sad, i want mommy" and gave me a big, long, grateful hug. I know that the every other weekend visitation is truly what is best for him! His fathers solution to everything is to spank. I do not like to use negative reinforcement. Don't get me wrong, i do believe in spanking when necessary, but i don't think its appropriate for every situation. I'm still out of work and school, until i get my tax money and can get a car! I can't wait to get my life back on track. It has been really nice to spend so much time with my son, but i really want to get back to work. this time off has given me some new perspective on things though. I know that i will only take a job working 1st shift so that i can be with my son in the evenings and on weekends. I will not take another job that keeps me away from him for so long! I truly believe that in the darkest times, you receive the greatest answers. I pray every day that life works out well for my son and i, and i KNOW that it will as long as i stay strong and focused.

Oh what next!?!?!?!

Well, as of now, my Internet and phone have been shut off at home. I still don't have a car, and i don't know how much longer i can continue to rely on people giving me rides to work :( My check was only for 20 hours this week and now i cant even afford to pay my rent. To top it off every time my son comes back from my ex his behavior is increasingly worse. He told me this week that his daddy was sad because i wanted him (my son) and he started crying. What in hell is wrong with that man?!?!!? Is he really that blind or ignorant that he cant see or understand what saying things like that does to our son? He has been thru enough! I'm so sick of everything right now. How on earth did my life end up this way? I'm almost 30 years old and i feel as though I'm some 18 yr old kid who has nothing but a string of disaster behind me. It was not supposed to be this way. Not for me. I always had it all together and i can not for the life of me understand how things have turned out this way. I just want to crawl into bed and cry for days....

still at it

Well, i haven't been home for the last couple of days. I had to stay w/ my mom since she was driving me to work. Oh how things are rapidly falling apart! My car is crap. i give up on it. I have no transportation, which is totally crippling considering that i drive about 80 miles a day. i don't know where to turn. someone suggested that i needed a sugar daddy, and to be honest that's not sounding like such a bad idea at this point! Did any of you know that there is an actual dating site to find a sugar daddy?!?! i was a little shocked to find this out. however, since I'm in such a crappy spot i signed up. It seems like its mostly a bunch of old pervs! i just wish my car hadn't died, its really made everything completely worse for me. I'm officially not in school at this point since i cant even drive there. There just has to be more to life than this....

And another one!

OK. I don't think i have mentioned in my previous postings that my son is deaf. He wears a cochlear implant to help him hear, which when it is working is just amazing. Unfortunately it has not been working for some time now. After sending several items back to Med-El, the company that makes his implant, i was told that it was moisture damaged and they asked if he sweat a lot, hello we live in Arizona and its been over 110 degrees outside for a while now of course he sweats. See the implant is worn around the outside of his ear like a behind the ear hearing aid. Now I'm no expert, but wouldn't you think that if someone was making a hearing device that is worn this way, right behind the ear, that they would maybe make sure they could moisture proof it some way? give me a break!!! We have no insurance and to take him in would cost me $100 per visit. It may as well be $1,000 to me right now i can barely pay rent and all my other monthly expenses. Here he is about to start kindergarten in less than a month and I'm getting the run around. I'm so frustrated right now with this and everything else going wrong in my life I'm about to totally loose it!! I'm just so thankful for this blog right now. Being able to blog about all this and get it off my chest is such a stress relief! Like i have someone to talk to about everything, and i don't get judged or told what i need to do. I'm so tired of hearing what i need to do from everyone. I know that it is coming to me with good intentions, but its just so amazing to be able to put it all out there and not have to hear anything back about it. Not that i don't welcome comments from my followers or people that actually read these, if there really are any, but i feel like everyone in my life feels that they need to tell me what to do. Sometimes its just nice to have someone listen.

more trying times

Well thank God for my mom. She got me to work and back yesterday and today, but tomorrow has to work herself and i have no way to work. this sucks so bad. I have no running vehicle at this point and no way to get to work and take my son to daycare. No money to fix either vehicle. I truly don't know what I'm going to do at this point. Also cant get to school tomorrow night. I feel like my life has spun out of control and i cant make it stand still again. How different things have become. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that at almost 29 years old, this is what my life would be. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. Not to worry. But there is no one there, No one that CAN do it. My mom would love to but she, like many others right now, is just getting by. I feel ashamed of myself. I had my life together at a young age. i had a good, stable job, a car, plenty of money in the bank, and a 10 year plan. How on earth did that plan get so off track. I'm doing good just to make it thur each week and now i probably wont even be able to do that. I HAVE to have a vehicle. there's no way around that. Now how in the world do i get this done? I pray everyday for GOD to help me, but to this point my prayers have not been answered. I know that he test us, when oh when will my test be passed???  I really don't know how much more i can take.

another speed bump

This morning i got my son up and ready to go to grandmas for the day while i work only to find that the battery in my car was dead!!  My phone is not working, so thankfully my mom just happened to be on face book. i messaged her and she came and picked us up and dropped me off at work. I wish so desperately that i was able to just go get another car. There is no way i would be able to afford to make any payments at this point, so I'm going to have to try to figure out something else. I wonder how all these young teens feel when their parents just buy them a brand new, way too expensive car? Do they even appreciate it? Do they know how blessed they are to have that privilege? I've never been handed anything like that in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself for the things that i have accomplished. I think that if you have everything done for you then you don't really get what it is like to work hard for something and how truly rewarding it is to obtain those goals. However, in times like this i really do wish i had someone that could just step in and fix things for me. what to do now?????